I have been purposefully stopped writing for a very long time. Well, technically speaking, not that long, maybe a month or two, but it feels like a really long term. The reason why I stopped writing was because I turned the shift to find myself. I am on the journey of exploring my life and figuring out who I am. I didn’t make much progress yet, but I am getting there.
The longer I spend time being with myself, I can feel the difference from who I used to be. I still remember the time when I first came to the states, I partied a lot. Maybe because I was so curious about the other culture and I didn’t want to miss a single bit of it. I used to go clubbing every week, with my girlfriends for sure. Well, I had to admit, that’s the weirdest thing I have ever done cause I know I don’t feel very comfortable dancing in a super loud environment with drunk souls. I saw people kissing strangers and having fun touching each other. But I didn’t. I hate it when people try to look nice and want to know me but indeed they have no idea who i am or what i love. I JUST DON’T LIKE IT.
But I wasted a very long time before I finally realized this. It’s not an easy process. Don’t get me wrong. I still find it fun going clubbing and dancing, and drinking, but the whole purpose has shifted from knowing some cute guys to just, you know, have fun 🙂
Now that I spend most of my time staying at home, reading books or cooking, I feel like I am actually a very anti-social person. I still love small conversations with people, but only those that can inspire me or I feel resonated with. I don’t like flirting around or just trying to be nice and connect with complete strangers. Often times, those social events, all I get are a bunch of business cards of people I will never contact again. So…yay, this is me.
I also think a lot about my life, in the past and in the future. I tried to find a clue of how I ended up where I am today and where I am going. But, the biggest problem is, I have trouble living my life. What I mean is, my life I am living right now, every moment of it, is the real life, not the one in the past or in the future. I think a lot of people like me are missing the whole point. We always want to get somewhere, but when we get there, we start thinking something else. It’s non-stopping. But when can we actually take time to slow down and enjoy life? And what does enjoy life even mean?
That’s why, I then, go to meditation classes. It was recommended by my professor Aaron. I didn’t know that USC has such amazing class about mindfulness until Aaron pointed it out for us. I didn’t see anyone I know go to those classes, which is a good thing, because I can have the joy of being myself without others judging me. I don’t feel fear when I share my emotions. But I also feel bad about those who don’t know about these classes because these are so helpful. Maybe it’s just me for being so spiritual. I always love reading poetry and sentimental pieces. I can easily feel the connection.
Anyways, today I met Eilis. She is in the Global Communication major. After class, I walked to her and sit down and begain chatting. We later found that we had a lot in common! She and I both love poetry and have the same trouble of letting go of certain emotions. We are both over-thinkers. We both have critical thinking of ourselves. I guess in graduate school, many people have developed the critical thinking skills. But it is not a good thing when it becomes personal. Often times, I end up criticizing myself too harsh and that’s not helpful at all. I now know that everyone has those vulnerable moments. Or at least, Eilis does. We are like artists and writers. SO we embrace those traits. It’s so great that we exchanged our numbers and we wanted to do brunch some time and go to bookstore together. This is what I want for a friendship. I don’t ask for more. I just want that kind of connection.
Well, I don’t know anything else to say. But this has been what I have gone through lately. By the way, I also blocked myself from Wechat Moments and wanted to detach from all the chaos. I don’t like browsing Instagram lately as much. This new habits has really got me thinking about whether it’s really a good idea for me to do something related to social media since I have such a problem of expressing myself. I don’t know. Maybe I need to know more about this industry before I make my final decision.
But for now, I just want to take some rest and watch one more episode of Gossip Girl. You know you love me, Xoxo, sweet connie <3
